I changed things up again with my routine. I went to yoga first thing in the morning. I went to my first hot yoga class at Full Circle with Marilyn Glasser. Yoga is typically different in the morning compared to later in the evening. My body typically is more stiff and not ready to go. I have not been paying much attention too it, but this morning I did not have any stiff muscles or aches going into it. It may had been the day off yesterday.
Marilyn Glasser's class was very fun. It was not as hot as Orlando Power Yoga which made things a bit more baring for me. The class was very powerful and I liked the overall music and vibe in the studio. Maybe it was the mood I was in this morning.
Yesterday was one of my off days. I found myself looking for negative things to worry about or harp on. I have had such a great last couple of months. Everything is going my way. When things get this positive I notice I start trying to mentally beat myself down. All this talk about balance over the last week has made me feel a bit normal on doing this. We cannot have a positive universe without some knowledge of negativity. There has to be some type of balance. 2011 was a pretty dark year for me. I harbored in this darkness for a long while. Lots of emotions flowed through me (sadness, hatred, anger, depression). 1 year later I am on the other side of my state of mind. I think I may have forgotten how these emotions felt. I feel like my mind may have been going to this space to check in. To see if I was still able to feel sad, angry, or any of these "negative" emotions. How often is it our minds that carry us into a negative space in our lives.
I still feel like my goal in life is to find a happy balance between positivity and negativity. I was brought up in a very positive environment. I call it the Brady Bunch scenario. Everything seemed perfect. Everything was in a happy bubble. I think this positive influence made me curious of the negative sides of life. I wanted to understand people who came from the other side of what I understood. I did not understand how negativity can be a major part of a persons life.
Too much positivity can make me feel uncomfortable and cause me to beat myself down a bit so I feel normal. A person who is brought up in a negative environment may feel completely comfortable in a negative environment. When positivity is introduced to them they have to find a way back to the negative side of things so they once again feel the comfort of negativity. So the fight for balance is on both sides. I am not saying either of these ways are healthy, but I am not going to deny that they exist. Are you beating yourself up or down?
I do not think I will ever understand the complete negative side of life. Areas where constant fighting, anger, jealousy, dishonesty, and abuse occur. Where striving to exit this negative life is a constant struggle. I prefer my fight to remain positive, to stay happy, loving, and sometimes play head games with myself. I am starting to recognize these head games of mine. I am realizing these are the major flaws that keep me from a truly positive life.
I hope this stuff makes sense. I have struggled to gain self respect and self love. I appreciate everyone who has helped me see this in my heart, and hope people can find the same in their mind and heart and we can all grow together. Balance is found while standing on one leg, but it is also found when we admit we hate as well as also love. Find the balance between the negative and the positive.
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