This was day 2 of the Beryl workshop. I somehow got 7:30 on my mind for the beginning of class. So when I showed up at 7:15 and noticed a class that already started I felt a little embarrassed. I was surprised on how quickly I pulled myself out of these emotions and just jumped into the routine. The yoga class was not life changing, amazing, or all inspiring. It just was. I do love Beryl's down to earth attitude. She comes across true and genuine.
Yesterday brought up a lot of solidification for me. Today I reunited with an old friend which ended up bringing a lot of clarification for me. It has been a great weekend. A lot of soul finding (I wasn't really searching so I cannot call it soul searching).
I am realizing I am searching a lot for forgiveness. I have found a lot of forgiveness for the people that have hurt me in the past. However, I need to forgive myself for some of these events.
I started to look back at my marriage. Looking back I compare my marriage much like skydiving out of an airplane. There is a giant rush that happens right before and during the jump. The adrenaline fills your body as you free fall from the plane. There is a sense of fear, excitement, and acceptance as you fall. There is no time to think of the past or the future, but rather you are just stuck in the now. Throughout the whole fall there is a sense of trust. Trust that your parachute will be there when you need to pull it. That it will open and deploy and land you onto the ground safely. That the parachute is steady, operational, and reliable.
My parachute did not deploy. Splat. As I sat and picked up the pieces I tried to figure out why my parachute did not deploy. I could not understand a lot of things. I wanted answers. The fact was I do not think there was a parachute in the first place. The fact was I think I knew there was never a parachute the moment I jumped out of the plane. Against all warnings, I still jumped. This is where I lost myself. I bring up questions on why I jumped without a parachute, why I got in the plane in the first place. How could I make these big mistakes. I am just now finding forgiveness for these mistakes.
The thing I am noticing is that it never was a mistake. It was still me that jumped out of the plane, and I did glide through the sky with such exciting emotions. I splattered on the ground and survived. I did all of this life experience without a parachute. There will be another plane. There will be another parachute. Imagine how much better my life will be with a functioning parachute.
I have already skydived. Maybe I will stick with yoga :)