What is Yoga 308

Life is a constant struggle of balancing our body on both a physical and emotional side. Through yoga I have learned several life lessons. Yoga 308 is a goal I set for myself to do at least 60 minutes of yoga for 6 days a week for the next year. I invite anyone to join me on this adventure as I blog about some of my daily experiences. This is not intended to show that I have found peace and tranquility, but rather give my honest feelings of my journey. Enjoy.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Day 128 - The search for true happiness


Wow, today was tough for some reason.  I went to the Dharma class at Orlando Power Yoga with Kelly Senn.  I don't know if I was just drained, or if it was really hot in there today.  Maybe it was the hot class I took late last night along with the early hot class.  Maybe I did not have enough time to rehydrate or reenergize, but I had a tough time today.

I did fell at one with my breath today.  I felt like I was still venting off a lot from yesterday.  You know how taking a deep breath or sighing helps to make you feel better.  Well I noticed a lot of my breath seemed really deep today, and there were a lot of sighs.  As hot and hard as it was today, I felt pretty focused.

I was thinking a lot the last few days about instant gratification and happiness.  I have come along way since the days of using drugs and alcohol, I have been on a great journey discovering more about finding finding true inner peace and happiness.  I feel like I should explain my journey a little bit.

When I use the word addict, people tend to think that I was a bum, sipping out of a paper bag, and homeless in the gutters.  Or they think I was huddled in a corner not leaving my apartment with needles in my arm.  The term addict is a personality trait, and there are a lot more of us out there then you think.  There are also many different types of addicts in this world.  Everyone is very familiar with the drunk starting fights, breaking things, or yelling at other people.  This wasn't me.

In my case I was more of an internal addict.  My fights were mostly inside of me. I had a giant issue with my happiness.  I have always been someone who would in typical society standards be considered "successful."  But my self worth was in the gutter.  I did not deserve this happiness.  I did not deserve this success.  I wanted someone else to take this happiness.  I used drinking and weed to knock me down a bit, and take off the edge.

How was I ever to find true happiness if I did not think I deserved to be happy?

Overall I believe I have a lot of happiness and love inside of my heart.   Back when I was using, the drugs and alcohol inhibited my true emotions.  Looking back I know I cannot find true happiness, because I cannot find any true emotion while using.  I only found a state of bliss that is based on my need to rely on this substance.  If I need to rely on a substance to make me happy then without it I am truly unhappy.  If I am constantly using this substance, the substance will begin to eat away my physical body which in return ultimately brings me to an unhappy state.   I am a firm believer that you cannot find true self love and happiness if you use and rely on a substance.

The addict personality trait is not only fixed on drugs and alcohol.   When I stopped using this was what I started my journey to finding true happiness.  I had to build myself back up.  Once the drugs and alcohol were gone I still had this idea in my head that I needed to rely on something else to make me happy.  This is often the case with addicts as we can leach on others or we look externally to find happiness.  Something must make us happy.  If this substance made us this happy.  There must be something out there that will take the place of drugs.  The crazy idea is that this person, place, or thing is ultimately responsible for our happiness. 

It has taken me almost 9 years to just now grasp the idea that my happiness is only found inside of me.  The true question I have been avoiding for so long is..."What makes me happy?" Taking away all people, all beings, all places, all ideas, or all thoughts.  "What makes me happy?"