What is Yoga 308

Life is a constant struggle of balancing our body on both a physical and emotional side. Through yoga I have learned several life lessons. Yoga 308 is a goal I set for myself to do at least 60 minutes of yoga for 6 days a week for the next year. I invite anyone to join me on this adventure as I blog about some of my daily experiences. This is not intended to show that I have found peace and tranquility, but rather give my honest feelings of my journey. Enjoy.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 222 - Give yourself a hug

I am a scatter brain today.  Filled with emotions that just aren't really going much of anywhere.  I went to Yin yoga today with Kristen Schneider at Full Circle.  I was hoping to find some sense of calm in this week.  I did find some moments of peace inside there.

During the class I was laying on the ground with my arm's spread out.  I felt like I was trying to hug the world.  I feel like my mind sometimes think it is my responsiblitly to actually do this.  As if I am responsible for the rest of the world.  I want to see people happy.  The truth is I can only hug the person in front of me, and I am not very good at that.  The other thing I can hug is myself, and I am probably even worst at that.  I am very good at hugging my dog (he doesn't like it though).  My mind is asking me to hug the world when I cannot even hug myself.

I have realized this week that I have a giant blockage in the area of love.  I am trying my best to get past this.  I realize the love blockage has a lot to do to the lack of self love in my heart.  I might be a little better at giving love, but am not really comfortable with the feeling of receiving it.

In middle school they used to call me "Mr Sunshine".  I was a positive bubble of energy and always smiling.  "No matter what, Danny always seems to have a smile."  The world was my oyster.  Life was filled with fun opportunity.

I would guess high school things started to find a funk.  There was this little voice telling me I needed to be better.  I wasn't good enough for her.  If I work harder I would find happiness.  Demands started to enter my brain through negative internal comments.

Drinking and drugs amplified this.  I wouldn't date anyone because no one could love a guy that drank or smoked pot.  How could I bring home a girl to my family that does ecstasy.  God, drugs screw up your life.  There is no clarity in it.  NONE.  I wish people could see this.

I think back in my marriage I did not have much of a voice.  My opinion, if asked was pretty much downplayed or would turn into an argument.  I got to the point where I found it better to just agree with my x-wife then to put up a pointless fight. Her voice needed to be heard.  My internal voice who was already use to beating myself up decided my opinions didn't matter either so it would be better to shut off then to start an argument.

I look at my business and watch people debate over things.  I have also grown tired of trying to get my point across in a lot of these areas.  When we get down to most the decisions, it really just does not matter.  It has been 11 years of these decision makings, and I really haven't felt a need to voice my opinion and get my way.

I feel like suppressing my feelings has become a big habit of mine.  To the point where I suppress positive feelings too.  "Oh god, what if someone thinks I love her?  Then she will have these expectations on me...Then she will downplay who I am. OK I just will keep it to myself."

Our journey's always have a starting point.  When we find a flaw we can ignore it, hide it, start to fight it, or blog about it to the whole world. 

I can't even hug myself.

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