What is Yoga 308

Life is a constant struggle of balancing our body on both a physical and emotional side. Through yoga I have learned several life lessons. Yoga 308 is a goal I set for myself to do at least 60 minutes of yoga for 6 days a week for the next year. I invite anyone to join me on this adventure as I blog about some of my daily experiences. This is not intended to show that I have found peace and tranquility, but rather give my honest feelings of my journey. Enjoy.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Day 331 - I am and have always been a good person

Tonight I went to Ashtanga yoga with Steve Rubin at Full Circle Yoga.  I like the classes when I am happy with my practice, not pushing myself, and not dragging all at the same time.  This class was one of those practices.  I did have some crazy memories come up today.  Things that I was wondering why they were coming up.  For instance, one memory was when my friend and I were denied to sit down in an empty restaurant in Prague back in 2001.  That was about it for that memory.  It was there and then it went away.  I had a ton of these go through my mind today.

Yoga308 has helped me express who I am.  There are some things I have been holding back on, but I do feel like this is a great place to let my voice be heard.  After years of walking on eggshells and worried about being portrayed as an evil person, this has been an outlet for my true voice.

I was talking about assholes yesterday.  Today I was thinking about how much I have strived to not be an asshole.  I never wanted anyone to see me as an asshole so I would live my life trying to provide for others so I would not be portrayed as an asshole.  One of the many things I learned from my marriage is that I am a good guy.  It may have taken me 36 years to figure that out, but I do know that I am a good person.   Everyone has their asshole moments, but overall I am a good person.

I spent my entire marriage trying to convince my x wife that I was a good person.  The truth is she never saw that.  She worried so much about me leaving or cheating on her.  It seemed that anything I tried was tied to this worry.  She tossed out pictures of my cousins thinking I was holding onto memories.  Yoga was out because of course I would find another woman.  Beaches or Vegas meant me looking at other women.  Even business trips she insisted on going.  If she didn't I would end up with someone or at a strip club.  The crazy thing is her own insecurity came up when she found another guy and left me for him.

It took my friend telling me that I have never cheated on anyone or done anything with ill intent to realize that I never thought any of this.  This was always in her head.  It was a matter of brain washing making me think I was doing something wrong whenever I tried to live.  Instead of finding people who appreciated me for who I was, I decided to make it my mission to show her that she deserved someone who is good.  I was to change her mind and show her that there are trust worthy guys in her world.  I was to be her knight.  The sad part is she only saw me as her jester or peasant that she could control.  It was all a very toxic marriage for both of us from the very beginning.

This illusion that I have put on myself was just another way for me to beat up on myself.  I was able to find someone else to help me in the act.  The worry of me becoming an asshole was such a giant fear it ended up controlling my life.  At the end of the marriage she ended up portraying me as an asshole because I finally stuck up for myself and took control of my life again.  So in the end both of our fears became our reality.

It is amazing the fears and illusions we put upon ourselves.  This subject has been on my mind for a long time, but I have been afraid to express it to the rest of the world.  Looking back it was a giant lesson for me.  I hope sharing this might help someone else out there.  My divorce has put me in a great place.  I am surrounded by people who appreciate and know I am a good person, and more importantly I now know I am and always have been that good person.

1 comment:

  1. When I read this I saw someone using her "insecurities" as a way to control you and get her way.